Heavier things

While one part of me has been thinking all these happy thoughts,  I have also still been doing a lot of reading and research into adoption.

I've been humbled and quietly chastised. The words "a family for a child" have even more meaning for me now. I am NOT rescuing a child, I'm not being brave or selfless. This isn't a great choice worthy of praise, nor an attention seeking gesture. I see that. It's opening my heart for more love. 


The people I have told have been, on the whole, supportive. Only one person said "haven't you got enough kids?".... I am reading of the negative comments people make, the ignorant and arrogant things people feel is their right to say. It'll be tough, but it'll be tougher for him.


He is the one giving up. Giving up the life he knows. Yes it's in an institution but it's all he knows! I am taking him from people and friends, everything that is "safe" to him, and gives him his security. The people who care for him and feed him. I'm taking him from that and bringing him half way around the world to a new culture, language, family and .. life. He has to learn to call me mum, my husband dad... and he will have sisters and brothers who are a solid unit which will open to welcome him, but he won't know that. He will be a brave little soldier which is why I believe God put his needs on my heart. 


I have also had to learn a new respect for relinquishing mothers. How easy it was for me to arrogantly think "why would you abandon a 2 day old baby?" How dare I be so presumptuous? I have no idea of her situation! Maybe  - in fact I'm sure - her heart breaks for him every day. She gave him up so HE could have a better life, not so SHE could have a better life. Maybe she was forced to give him up. China's one child policy means a child with any disability could be given up... could a husband insist? Could her family insist? I won't know her story until I find out about our child.  And even then I may never find out. However, she is his birth mother. She nurtured his body for 9 months, she would have seen his little face... and she would, I'm sure, have cried over him. And still...she.. gave..him...up. How that must hurt! Such an act of love....I can only honour her as his mother through his life. I may be his mum, but she'll always be his "real" mother. I have read of families who also celebrate her (even if unknown) every mothers day. Some of these families send updates to orphanages in the hope that one day she may be brave enough to come forward and ask about her child.


And so my heart is getting more ready, I am getting our family and our home ready. He will have low vision; I won't know how low until he is assigned to us. Once our papers are submitted and accepted this end, they go to China for the government there to find a child who fits our profile. They then "assign" the child to us, we get 72 hours to decide if we accept that particular child, then we proceed with travelling to China to collect him at an appointed date. 


My head tells me of all the pitfalls - the language barrier, the emotional needs, my work situation (in that I work full time as does my husband) schooling, technology to assist his vision.... but I know it's all just minor in the big picture. And I have such amazing friends and a fantastic church for support. We moved churches a few years ago. Not that the "old" one wouldn't have helped, but this one is more attuned to our relaxed attitude and allows us to grow.. and I know they'll embrace this little man and treasure him and us. I am so looking forward to it all!

What to think now?

I find my mind is almost overtaken with thoughts of adoption, The how why when... but after talking to my brother and praying about it myself, I know the timing will be right. Several things have come up over the last few months that frustrated me at the time, but now I know had I taken the opportunities, my road wouldn't be clear ahead.... so I know God has a plan, I'm just waiting for it to unfold. I have a feeling I'm to learn patience through this!

We headed into the city the day before my husband's surgery for an XRay. I kept mulling over in my head "is it yes or no for a little boy?" and in the end said "Give me a sign". I looked at the clouds... nothing happened. Oh-kay. Was that my sign? On the way home, a stunning rainbow greeted us which was magnificent in its brightness. I smiled at the rainbow, thinking "God knows how I think".... a sign from the clouds, just not the clouds I was looking at!

And why a boy? no reason in particular. I don't love my boys more than my girls and my girls weren't necessarily harder to bring up (we have two of each) The first photo I saw was of a little boy and it sealed gender for me. And why a child? As I mentioned previously, I don't believe I can "do" baby stuff again. And at my age  - it just suits me to have maybe a 5 or 6 year old. ... a one year old would learn language easier, and maybe adjust easier. An older child has more institutionalised time to break out of and language may be a barrier for longer... but I feel it's the way for me. School and kindergarten can be worked out........... and besides it's at least 12 months away......


I was with my husband  who was in pre-op getting drowsy. We talked about this and that and he started not talking as much.. and my mind wandered. I thought again about what I now called "our little boy". I wondered what we would call him.  7 of the eight kids names (2 each) are Hebrew / Biblical and I thought it would be nice to keep that going. So my mind went through names "A - there's Adam, Abraham...B there's Benjamin.. Man I could just go on all day like this, I need a baby name book really....." 
I heard, like a thought but stronger, "You want an L". I figured I could go with L. I'd call into Borders at lunchtime and check out a baby name book. Then I realised it wasn't me thought of an L.... woah.


On my walk to Borders, I was puzzling over the "L" thing when I felt quite strongly a "something" around my heart and again heard the thought "You need to start praying for him" I felt ashamed. Here I was thinking about a possibility while my husband was heading in for major surgery. "No, not him. You need to pray for your little boy. Those who are caring for him and will care for him. Get him ready,prepare his heart." So I did. (I also prayed for my husband while I was at it!)


Oh wow, I was so stunned. I felt breathless but excited. I wandered through a few stores before I got to Borders. Once there, I grabbed a coffee and sat for a while trying to get my head around what had happened. I went upstairs and had a look around before I took a couple of adoption books off the shelf to choose from plus a baby name book. I chose the adoption book first, figuring if I didn't need it I could resell it on ebay.

The I opened the baby name book. To the boy's section, then to "L" I scanned for Hebrew names. The first one I found was Lazarus, he who was raised from the dead. That could work but I knew it wouldn't. This little man would look different being Chinese, look different having albinism and would struggle with other issues, I didn't want to saddle him with a big name too. The next name I saw was Levi. I just knew this was "my" name. I closed the book with shaking hands. 


It was going to be real. It was going to happen. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Instead I just prayed a quiet prayer of thanks that God was so obviously in charge and giving me this privelege, to allow me another child to bring up in His will and love. My heart was racing but I felt calm. 


I eventually left Borders but went elsewhere... I felt like the rest of the world was walking around ignorant of my joy. I didn't have a pregnant belly, I didn't have a pram or a sling with a baby, but I knew we had a child somewhere waiting for us. I was.. emotionally pregnant, to steal a phrase I read about.


All this doesn't mean my children don't matter or don't exist or cease to be important. Not at all. I will be relying on them even more once this little man comes along, their help and their acceptance will be crucial to his attachment and his fitting in. (By the way... Levi means "attached" in Hebrew).  It's because of them I can have confidence in taking this step, through their love and their .. just being themselves.... that mean I am free to broaden their lives as well.


I didn't tell my husband for a few days. His recovery from surgery was amazingly quick, he'd been told he may lose his voice permanently, his nerves spine and windpipe were also at risk of being compromised, but he was talking in recovery and waving his hand and arm around; and flexing his fingers...things he hasn't been able to do for a year or so. God was so in control and proving it to us over and again.


When I did tell him, he shrugged and said "Let's see what happens" Which doesn't mean he is hesitant or anti the thoughts, just that he is more cautious than me. Which is lucky really!


I am still in awe, though!!

Next steps. Little steps.

During the phone call from DFC, I was encouraged to join some online forums and groups, meet with other adoptive parents and see how I really felt.  Some of these I did and am glad I did!  I joined a couple of yahoo! online groups and have seen discussions about all aspects of adoption. People with children home, people waiting to hear they have a child, people whose papers have got lost in the system... people from all around the world who have the desire to adopt overseas, most looking to adopt a child with a special need.

I was told by a friend to prepare for an emotional roller coaster and I'm beginning to understand why. One adoptive parent reminded me that the process is "finding a family for a child, not a child for a family" which is a valid point. It's not me / us rescuing a child, it's our family being open to another child. It's us who will be receiving the blessing through a child, not "a poor child being saved" which of course is true, but not the reality.


Apparently our whole lives will be analysed, the family interviewed, our financials checked and our fitness as parents evaluated. Baring our souls much?

So while still not  100% convinced this is the way to go, my mind is still ticking over. Maybe I'm meant to be an advocate for adopting a child with albinism. I figure of all the special needs conditions, albinism must be one of the easiest to deal with. But then I realise each to their own. Some people need to care for a child with a missing limb, or with cerebral palsy. We all know our own strengths and what our family can deal with. For example, I know I'm not able to go back to sleepless nights, teething and nappies. For others who've never experienced that, it's their dream. 


Maybe I'm just meant to visit an orphanage..... but when I look, it doesn't appear Australian organisations visit Chinese orphanages; the Chinese are particular about who gets into their children. I don't believe it's to hide anything, more just for the sake of the children in care. 


I borrow books from the library about overseas and SN adoptions, which whet my appetite enough for me to buy a couple for myself. Then we go to visit my brother and his family.


My youngest brother and his wife have 3 little people in their lives and he has a very strong faith. Because I wasn't sure about my own feelings, I hesitated to tell him of my thoughts.


He said "go for it" when I eventually did bring it up. He reminded me to test and see if it really was of God, but the fact that I wrote "adopt a child" probably meant I wasn't to visit orphans or advocate for orphans. Pfft... I knew that but hearing it gave me courage. If money, time, pride or selfishness was an issue, God would sort it if it was His wish for us to have this child. I felt quite buoyed by the conversations with him and his precious wife. 


So baby steps along the way.....

So what's next?

My husband and I spoke to all our children before this took place, so we knew whether to take it any further. All four were supportive (well the youngest promised support if I'd allow him to go to a friend's party, but I figured that was close enough) At that stage I was hoping to adopt a child / baby from Africa, as the KWA and babies (and adults) are tortured maimed and killed for their body parts which are believed to hold magical powers. An arm, a brain or a hand can bring much money to the deliverer so albinos are very much in danger, and I considered saving one child would help. However, Australia doesn't have adoption agreements with Africa, so my plans were stopped there.

I understand the reasoning behind this, and countries who signed the Hague agreement are those Australia has links with. I support this as well as this ensures the legality, safety and legitimacy of an adoption and keeps the child's interest the focus. While it brings to mind the frustration of celebrity adoptions, in that money appears to mean adopting more easily, without a wait or red tape, I don't ever want the heartache of wondering if the child is really mine, if someone can claim parental rights in the future and want a reduction in any problems with passports visas etc for the child in the future.

I received a phone call from DFC in response to my email. A lot was explained to me about the process which left me a bit shell shocked, to be honest.
Not in a bad way, mind you, just wondering what I'd started!
So we BOTH have to attend an information session about overseas adoption, a session about adopting a child with special needs, do a six week training course, have several home studies / interviews and fill in masses of paperwork.
Uh-hunh, cool. The information sessions about OS adoption are run quarterly, the SN sessions ANNUALLY. Yes annually. However, not to worry both sessions were being held on Feb 17th.
My husband was booked in for a spinal discectomy on Feb 16th, and would in no way be capable of attending the session. *insert sad face here*
Not to worry, I was told, we could attend the next general session, then get paperwork,  visits and training done by next February and be ready to attend the SN session and submit paperwork. Wow twelve months!
Twelve months. Is this a good thing or not?.......

Stepping back in time....

So I should have started this blog several months ago but I have only just got around to it! So many thoughts in my head in my heart... so I'll go back to the very beginning and keep blogging up til now. If you've been on the journey with me, I thank you for not discounting my dream, and for your encouragement.

In the latter part of 2010 I did some leadership training, which was of immeasurable value to me personally and in my worklife. In the last session, Anna the trainer told us to write, without thinking, five things we would do if time and money were no object. I wrote:
1. Travel.
2. Help the underserved.

I hesitated, then without knowing what I'd write I started and there came
3. Adopt a child with albinism.

I didn't get any further in my list.

I was pretty stunned because this had NOT been a consideration in my life. Never.
To those who don't know me, I have albinism. I am the 48 year old mum of 4, who are aged 22, 20, 18 and 16. At the end of this year (2011) all four of our children will have finished their schooling and two have already left home.
So you can see that bringing a child into this home isn't a logical step.
I mulled over this thought for quite a while, unable to grasp they "why" of having written it. Was it really my subconscious? I can honestly say no. While at an international conference for people with albinism (PWA) in July 2010 I saw a number of American families who had adopted kids with albinism (KWA) mainly from China. I looked at them and did not feel any stirrings of desire to follow their lead. In fact I thought "but why would you? It's nice, but....why?"

Famous last words?

My husband keeps reiterating how next year we'll have no children at home and can travel the world every couple of years, in preparation for grandchildren... so I didn't know how to tell him this was in my head, but the more I tried to forget about it, the more it came to front of mind.

Finally, after an argument, my husband asked me what had been bothering me 'for so long'. I said "well I want to adopt a baby with albinism and you won't let me." Silence.
Then he said "So have we talked about this? Have you actually asked me?"

Discussion ensued. :) With me saying "but I know how much you're looking forward to an empty house, I don't know why I'm thinking this, part of me thinks it's from God, part of me thinks I just need to go help the orphans, part of me is just confused"

He said "go ahead and look into what's involved. Let's see if we even can, and then decide what to do"
Bless him, he puts up with my whims and tantrums and now he's putting up with this... this whatever it is.

I started researching. I found a photo of a little boy about 6 years old on an American agency website and I fell madly in love with his photo. (They say 'Don't fall in love with a photo" now I know why) His little earnest face captured my heart and filled me with something I can't put into words. Just an overwhelming sense of....something indefinable.

So then I researched Australian overseas adoptions. Oh hang on, a whole new ballgame develops! In Australia, you can't use an agency, you use the government of your state. And you can't choose a child, a child is chosen for you. And it can cost....sooo much!!! And I read of people waiting years.

So what was happening? I didn't feel so happy with this, especially when I had "my" little boy's photo in my mind!

I tentatively mentioned my thoughts to a few close friends, who were supportive. I emailed a US friend (with albinism) who was one of those who had adopted a KWA from China to seek her advice and do comparisons. I was left with more questions. Why could it be done so easily in America and not here?

So. Armed with possibly more bravado than sense I emailed the Dept of Families and Communities in my home state and anxiously awaited their reply.