It's been a while

It has in fact been a while since I wrote here, my heart wouldn't let me do it. I'd come and sit, and look at an empty screen, lost for what to write. In that time I could have written a book on what I have learnt, what God has shown me and what has happened - but I didn't. If I wrote it all here it would be such a "poor me" episode. So I deliberately ignored the page.

"Serendipity" is one of my favourite words. Simply because of the way it rolls off the tongue, also because... wow, when it happens it's amazing. Serendipity is finding a treasure while you're looking for something else. 

I was looking at ways I could get to China and "be" in an orphanage / foster home. And wondering how this would affect me, and how I'd recover, and how I'd get my husband to go with me... and... and...

And then in another part of my life, the Albinism Fellowship of Australia, we received a letter from a lady with a foster home in China. She was about to receive a child to care for, a little girl with albinism. What could she do, how could she look after her, what did she need?

My heart lifted. THIS I could help with. THIS I knew. Emails went back and forth, with me falling over myself saying "what do you need? What can I send you? How can I help you?"

This has GOT to be another one of those "God" things that keep happening.  Okay so originally I thought of a boy about 6. This is a girl of a different age, but wow ..He existed, and he has a family. I still pray for "Levi" and his family, and I now have a little girl to pray for. 

We have just signed up as her sponsor family, so rather than a child overseas who we pay money for but don't connect with, I have already seen a number of photos, read of her progress and sent her a care package. I'm not rushing headlong in, I'm not going to break my own heart again, she has a safe place, she is loved and cared for and she will continue to progress in her own environment. One day maybe I'll get to see her, and love her even more.

Concern about her confidentiality means I won't post her name, her area or her photo. Just know she is there and  --- very cute! "She's our little sister" said a friend with albinism. In the month I have known of her existence she has gone from shy, no confidence, unable to eat independently and just lacking in love to a happy, eating, laughing child, blossoming in the love given to her by her ayi and carers.  These carers are there to do God's work with these lovely ones, and I thank Him for their lives, that they can do it. 

Thank you God for giving me one step ahead. Can't wait for the next one!

Time passages

So because I'm not from the US I can't check / see any agency stuff, but have been told the little man I was praying for was matched via an agency (Holt Int told me but couldn't tell me any more, which i SOOOOOO understand and I'm thrilled they gave me that much)

I just asked that a message go to the family that they know he was hedged in prayer during the time they'd have been planning their paperwork. I still think of him and wish him the absolute best but can't do anything more but pray, which again, I understand.

But .... if anyone's agency shows a recently matched family for a little boy with albinism, he's the one. I don't know what I want anyone to do, I guess just confirm he definitely has a forever family? I have his DOB but won't put it here....I know I won't meet him and I don't want to freak anyone out thinking I'm a "creeper", I just hope they know how blessed they will be... as I had such strong heart tugs for him, and God continually prompted me- he is, I'm sure, an awesome kid.

I also know that the new family don't need to know. 
That it was between me and God and that's fine, but a little part of me just wants the secret sweet connection to stay. 
Not that he stay in China, but that I always feel the connection to him.
Does any of this make sense? In my muddled up mind it does.  :)

it's the song of the heart.....

So here we go again 2 weeks later. I have contacted some adoption agencies in the US and yes the little man whose photo drew me in has been matched. I have emailed asking that my message be passed on to his new family if they have the connections but I don't think they do. 
There is an organisation in the USA "NOAH" (National Organisation for Albinism and Hypopigmentation) who have a conference every two years. My husband and I ventured over for the 2010 conference and he hopes to go to 2012. I wonder if we do that this little man's family will take him along to make friends? Hmm..

As I wrote in my last post it's been suggested I visit orphanages. Meh, maybe. I've put out feelers and two have said "yes come" but I'm not sure it's where I'm meant to be. It doesn't sit in my heart the way adoption did. It just felt right, this doesn't. I'm happy to pursue it though. One travel organisation do group holiday tours to China with an orphanage visit tied in, which satisfies two needs, but even so it doesn't capture me totally. I'm not at all sure it's right.


My husband and I attended the first information session for potential adoptive parents within a few days of my last post. It was "interesting" said he.  I didn't really learn new information except that Taiwan has opened as an adoptive country. We were the oldest couple there, which I found amusing. When the talk about special needs came up I perked up and joined in the conversation, adding "the age limit parameters change" which I think explained to the younger couples why we were in attendance. My husband says he's still not the right person to "do this", and that's fine, it's all in God's hands and he has certainly surprised us before.
The questions some of the attendees asked made me think I need to write an information sheet or something.  :) Things like "do they do genetic testing on the children so you have knowledge of anything they might have?" and "What about if you adopt a child who isn't as healthy as they say?
I wanted to stand on my chair and say "Life is like that!!" I imagine these people may have struggled with infertility and other griefs and struggles, but every pregnant couple goes through the "what about genetics" issue. Did great grandad have a heart attack? Doesn't your cousin have a child with....
There are no guarantees with biological children either. It's hit and miss. 
Take my own genetic condition of albinism. One in every 70 - 75 people carries the gene for albinism (I know.. who knew, right?)
However because it's recessive, it requires the other party to also carry the albinsm gene. Even then, every child that couple has has a 1 in 4 chance of having albinism. So if for three generations there have only been two maybe three children in each family, it can have skipped those generations, then appear in a baby and everyone is stunned - "where did it come from"? 
Albinism of course would be pretty evident from birth, as the hair and skin have no little or pigment and the child will possibly have nystagmus (wobbly eyes) but some genetic conditions take years to show.
And just because you're paying the governmentfor a child doesn't guarantee you anything, just a child. And you will love adore and lay your life down for that child regardless of anything, once you have them in your arms. Trust me on that.
So getting back to the original thought behind this post, if you happen to hear of a family adopting a little boy with albinsm who is about 6 and a half years old, he may be the child I'm thinking of. I don't want contact, I have no right to ask, I just want his new parents to know he was upheld during the time they were waiting for him.

 

Home sweet home

I have kept an eye on the little man I called "Levi" and he has disappeared off the blogs and waiting child lists. I pray this means he has found his forever family. If there's any way I can find out who his new parents are I'd love to. Just to tell them I will continue to pray for them and him. He tugged so so hard on my heartstrings. Bless you little man, may the life you have be wonderful. One day I hope I meet you. 

PS It doesn't stop my heart hurting though.

Slow healing heart

A number of years ago I suffered a miscarriage. People said the darndest things afterward. A lot due to ignorance and a lot due to overcompensating for me. I found forgiveness for their seeming cutting comments and learnt how to respond to someone who has suffered the same....The last week or so has been the same regarding comments. Amazing. So this is for everyone who tries to help....
I am hurting, and I am sad. Something I dreamed and prayed about was taken away before I could gel with it. I knew it was always a maybe, I knew there were incredible hurdles to cross, and I knew it was a massive change that I, no matter how much research and study I did, would never quite be prepared for.
So while I know that people trying to "fix" the situation for me mean well, I must implore that your "fixing" isn't needed. You are trying to mend a hole - the size and shape you cannot even begin to grasp - with human shaped solutions.
God put this hope in my heart, He gave me this dream, so trying to find the right size "fix" just isn't going to happen. The only fix to completely mend it will come from God. I wait only for His help.

It may well be that visiting orphans is the way God sees me heal, but insisting it's the logical next step for me scares me; that this is seen as an easy way to fill the cracks that have appeared. I hold my thoughts because I don't want to hurt you, but you don't know.YOU chose not to research and not to look. I opened my heart and I looked. And broke my own heart as well.

Babies and children who never learn to eat properly because their mealtime is so rushed; too many mouths to feed by too few workers. Going from babies drinking from a bottle propped on a pillow, then to force fed by spoon faster than they can healthily swallow, then to getting small bland servings of food they have to gulp down so the other children don't steal their food.

Babies and children wearing and sharing clothes. Whoever gets out of bed first gets the first pick of the clothes. Get up  bit late and you get the clothes that don't fit are worn are thinning...

Only shared toys, anything donated even for a particular child is treated as shared property. You know how my heart aches for children whose mummies don't read to them. Nobody reads to these babies. Ever.

I see 147 million of these angels around the world with not one person as a constant for them. Fallen over and skimmed your knee? Toughen up, no mummy to run to, no mummy to kiss it better, no mummy to put a bandaid on it and certainly no mummy to cuddle you afterwards. If anyone has time to look after you it's not going to be the same person who looked after you last time you fell over. So you live your whole life knowing there isn't ONE constant. Nobody to hold you if you have a nightmare, nobody to answer your questions about "why do elephants have trunks? Why does the sun go down at night? Why did my parents leave me?" You'll work out your own answers; chances are you won't go to school, why would you, it's not like you'll be living a productive life when you leave the orphanage at 14 if you haven't been adopted by then.

And this is where you say I'll find fulfillment and a mend for my broken heart? Watching more children fall through the cracks of despair? Please don't insult me. You say this way is better because I can help more than one child. Even if I set up a years worth of people to help, there still isn't a constant for one child. Not ONE person they can depend on.

Give one child a family and that child has a name, and belongs. The can play with a toy and know they can put it down and it will be there for them when they come back, because it belongs to them. Knowing that if they are cold, there are more clothes in their room to put on, clothes that fit, and will keep them warm.  Unimaginable. And just becuase they don't know any better now doesn't make it right. And someone to love them. Someone who waits for them who prays for them and who wants...them.

You somehow feel that once you (though you call it "we") find the right sized box my problem will fit in, we can close the lid and everything will be okay. So advocating and speaking out for adoption is another fix you think is "the" answer. Again it's your answer, a human answer to neatly fix the hole and move on to the next problem.

You don't begin to understand the situation. It's not your fault, unless you have dug as deeply as me, and spoken to others, you can't know. But understand that I DO know....and respect that I may understand different angles of what you're saying. In other countries I can advocate all I like for waiting children, but not for Australian parents. That's not how it works here. And how effective can I be speaking out about adoption when....I have no experience? Who will listen?

Imagine all your life you've wanted to restore a 1962 classic car.. and the perfect opportunity comes up for you to get one, but you can't for whatever reason.  Or you love your sports club so much and you get the chance to buy in to ownership, but you can't take it up. Or your dream property comes up; all you've ever wanted, and it's doable, but you can't actually go to the next step.

However. You are instead offered the chance to go to classic car shows to see restored beauties and talk to renovators.. or to go to the home games of your team... Or to a real estate convention where dream homes are discussed and planned.

It's fun but it's not the real deal. It's not what you dreamed about, and it's not what you saw dangled in front of you and it's not going to heal you.

The three examples I gave are all of material possessions. These mean and always have meant very little to me. Having my family around me is what's important. As fractious wriggly temperamental and hormonal as they are, my family is what matters. But some people measure by material needs, so they suited the example.

I know my dream for Levi is pretty much over; and I'm dealing with that. God has given me peace. I know you find that hard to believe but He really has. He loves me! ...and what we all need to remember is that we are ALL orphans. We all need a constant, a rudder, a love that never goes away. God is the only one who can give that. We can reject it, and many do, but He still waits for us and loves us. He takes us from our wretched world and our garbage that we call living and frees us, and we are given His name for eternity. He has a home for us which He is making ready for us, which is more than we can hope or dream of, and he loves us......

just like adoption!

And what a parent to have, what a family to join.

So please understand that I love you and appreciate your help, but sometimes, words are too much to bear.

It's not over til it's over

I can only say thank you to all the people who have emailed me contacted me and prayed for this situation. It means a lot to me. I am more at peace than I thought I would or could be.
I am rethinking my strategies and will keep this blog open while I do so, and keep blogging my thoughts. 
Be it advocating visiting politicking or just praying, this is where my heart is and I soooo can't leave it be. My heart won't let me.
Shalom.

Death of a blog

So anyway I've known in my heart of hearts for a while now it was coming and here it is.
The definite "Oh thank God" when I said I didn't know if I should keep going looking to adopt.
The final nail in the coffin.
Cant write anymore just now.

the lost was found

I realised I didn't finish part of what I started in the last post. I lost my little charm bracelet on Saturday. On the Sunday I rang each store I'd been in, to no avail; nobody had found it.
Tuesday at 5pm I got a call to say it had turned up and I could come collect it anytime. I honestly think the woman who rang me got a surprise at my enthusiastic response. It really doesn't look like much, two small charms on a chain, but one as I said is special and the other is from our time in Pennsylvania in Amish country, so I guess also special to me.
So now I have my bracelet back on my arm and can feel the weight of "my little china bug" again. Wonderful!


One of the e-lists I subscribe to consists of many people of faith. They are always calling for prayer for children, or families, always thanking God for His love and His powerful way of moving. Some of the stories they tell are so amazing they can ONLY be God driven. I find this list to be such a blessing in my life; even something as simple as a reply to someone else's message saying "God is great" is enough to remind me that..He is!! To these unknown e-friends, thank you for your support for each other and your continual outpouring of God's love. 
Totally off China topics: In this week before Easter, I discovered the following video. A church in (I think) Texas got together and performed a "flash mob" dance to a song that won't go out of my head. At the end of the performance, all 2000 church members stepped out of their brand new shoes and left them for the needy. Being the church in the community... I love this. Being God in the community and showing His love in a way that touches people? Truly awesome in every sense of the word. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have, and are inspired to "Dance your shoes off". The obvious joy on these faces inspires me. If I wasn't so physically unco-ordinated (I keep using the wrong left foot) I'd be in something like this in a blink.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KX2-J6uS-o

The song is available at iTunes, title dance your shoes off.

where do I begin?

Funny how song titles keep coming to me as blog post titles!
I've had a bit of a crazy week in a lot of areas of my life, in this particular strand as well. I hope this post makes sense, my head is all over the place and I am in my lunch break and hurrying.....
My not hundred percent sure husband is even less sure of which direction to move in. He has the same concerns as most RH's (reluctant husbands, I'm picking up the lingo by jingo) of in 12 months we're likely to have no kids at home and can enjoy life unencumbered by their needs, in 8 years he could retire, we haven't got grandkids yet but adopting a child could affect my relationship with my current kids and their as yet unconceived offspring. And then some.  And the money. Oh the money. I know the amount of money we would need to raise is way more than we can, it's as much as we paid for a car which we put on a lease so we didn't have to pay upfront.... and it's staggering. I truly believe if God means for this to happen He will find a way. He always does. Whether processes are indented slightly or waivers (unheard of in Australia) happen, or something else along the international adoption line, or we discover money saving habits or I finally get published or whatever, I do believe if it's meant to be it will happen.
I could argue this and other points til the world ends, but then I'd be a nagging fishwife again, and I'm so over being her, she drags me down and cancels out the joy God has for me. So instead I read some more blogs through my hurting heart. "Let go and let God" kept coming up, and hey I know that. But KNOWING it is different. I ignored it for a few days and then in frustration with myself gave it up to Him. I told Him that I WAS happy to accept whatever road this went in. I know my husband and I know myself and if I have to give this up, so be it. The little man with the beautiful name will always be someone I pray for and I trust God will find Levi a forever family if it's not to be mine. I also prayed for peace with my decision and God's decision. It has come.
So why go through all this if it's not meant to be? Because I was obedient to God's call. He asked me to look and I did. He gave me the information and I did what I could with it. I researched examined and researched again. I have learned so much I didn't know about children waiting with special needs, about the conditions of chinese and other orphanages, of the hearts breaking all over the world for these children and the loving people who advocate and pray daily for them. God is mighty and He is moving mighty people.
But hey no I'm not giving this all away, I'm just accepting that if it isn't to be, it isn't to be. I think my husband, who will hate to read this, is one of those people who wants to know the end of the story before he starts it. Rather than just stepping out in faith and believing, he'd like the comfort of knowing all will be well before he does. And that's fine, it's where most people are, it's quite normal. I have learnt so much about faith and grace in this journey that it takes my breath away and I know others aren't on the same journey, aren't as far along on the journey or have their own baggage to sort before they can even begin the journey. And so I will pray for those mentioned in the earlier paragraph whose hearts are there for the children.
I am often randomly prompted to pray for Levi. It's NOT a conscious thing, he just comes into mind and I do it. (same with my kids). For what reason I don't know. Is he scared, cold, sad, being picked on, hungry, all of the above? I just pray for God to hold him is all. I was doing exactly this while waiting for a prescription in the pharmacy. I looked up and saw a charm stand, with one only charm of a red ladybug. As this has been my "thing" while thinking along this path, I grabbed it. Then realised I don't have a charm bracelet. So I bought one of those too.
I lost the charm bracelet in a store on the weekend - don't buy cheap charm bracelets, the catch gave way - and while it wasn't even remotely a special or expensive piece of jewellery, it had the significance of having "Levi's bug" on it. So losing it broke me, with it happening right after my husband and I had exchanged words over the adoption process. My heart did break. I figured it was a "just give up" sign. Oh how Satan loves to put his little claws into us! I couldn't believe how much it upset me to lose it, I'm so not a girly girly or jewellery girl, rarely buying anything like that, but upset me it did. However I now see it was part of the catalyst to my resigning myself to "que sera sera" and giving the whole thing over to God. I have given up all control of the situation, apart from emailing and blogging, (because I love a keyboard and a blank page!) and know that by the time others are convinced of the "right" thing to do the chance may be gone.
I can shrug and say "and that's fine" again. It isn't fine really. I have cried, I have been furious and am crying again, but I know in my heart it IS okay. If it's meant to be it will be. And my husband won't give in and say "oh if it's what you REALLY want" he'll be right there with me. Otherwwise I'll continue praying for Levi and other children like him, maybe one day I'll go visit them, organise a mission trip, whatever. What I have learnt is so amazingly eye and heart opening that whichever way it goes, God will truly be blessed.
Him and me, we're on a journey. Only He knows the end of the story!

I dont want to be happy and comfortable

Okay so I'm linking to someone else's blog again. This doesn't mean I have nothing to write; far from it. My heart is full to bursting of stuff I should be writing but I'm just being....calm.  :)

I read an email linking to this blogpost not long ago and knew I wanted to share it. Entitled "I don't want my kids to be happy" it nudges into my thoughts for my children as well. Neither do I want to be happy or comfortable.
http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-dont-want-my-children-to-be-happy.html


I read another blog this morning where some women visiting Ethiopian orphanges prayed that their hearts would be broken for what breaks God's heart. Oh wow can you imagine how strong you would have to be? My heart breaks for them just by my thinking about it!!! And seeing the sorrow that is everywhere in Ethiopia... can you even begin to imagine? I could only do it with God's strength and the knowledge that His hand is holding me.


I'm not a better stronger holier or wiser person than others because I feel so strongly about this path, in fact it is humbling to see how small and ignorant I truly am in comparison to a God who can work more than our human hearts can imagine or conceive. He gives me beauty for ashes.... for the worthless garbage I present to Him, proudly proclaiming "here's the sum of my life" he gives me beauty and glory. Without scorning or mocking, he takes my giving and nods me towards Him.
What I see as good works and mighty deeds here on earth aren't even going to come within a whisper of the wonders He has to show me. The most beautiful place on earth? If I could find it? It would be a glorious site and sight. A Keith Green song (I can't wait to get to Heaven) says "I can't wait to get to Heaven, when you'll wipe away all my fears. In six days you created everything, but you've been working on Heaven two thousand years" How much more beautiful then, is the place He has gone ahead to prepare for us? And how worthy are we of it? Why are we worthy of it? ARE we worthy of it? We are more than worthy because His son overcame sin for us to get us there. If both the father and the Son can endure that for us, why can't we endure a little bit of discomfort in return?
 


Wow. Went off topic there. Thank you God I must have needed to! I hope your journey has less bumps than mine already has - and I'm pre step one! - and we can keep checking back on each other. Who knows, in my blog-stalker mode right now I've probably read / scanned / RSS'd yours!




 

Had to share

Someone else's blog linked to this post. Now I am too. 
Why adopt?
Beautiful words!

http://godsarrowsinourquiver.blogspot.com/2011/01/impracticalimprudentill-advised.html?spref=bl

Short but sweet on my part!

hearts a mess?

We now have seven weeks until our "introduction to adoption" talk. A couple of books I've read don't paint these in a very good light so am hoping it's a positive experience.

My husband is trying to keep up with me but I'm afraid I'm way past this point in my head already, as you'd no doubt have noticed.  :) Have you ever heard of the DISC personality model? Each letter is for the type of personality and the characteristics you may display in each one. 

http://www.discinsights.com/cyber/scripts/disc.asp

I am Direct. Trying hard to lose my rough edges, but when I did this in study, I was more direct than direct, so I know it's me. I tend to go in feet first, try to get to point B in the quickest way, organise things fully and early and am a self starter. Sounds like me in this game plan as well.

So then when my husband, who is a mix of a Steadier, (likes to face change slowly, can't understand risk taking, is patient and methodical) and Compliant (analyses, follows procedure, is conscientious and careful) sees me writing things on my blog *smiley face* and hears me planning where the child will sleep and even calling "him" by name, he struggles to work out where my head is, as we ARE seven weeks out of even taking the first step.

So do I sometimes. But I know where my heart is. It's with kids. It always has been. From when I was one myself, I've loved younger kids, and having my own was wonderful, of course, and I loved / love every minute with them.

We've done studies through church and I have done my own about what it means to follow Christ, and while those who don't get it won't get it, I am convicted of the "deny yourself carry your cross" message amongst others. And is working to make money to spend it on myself really all there is to life? I'm seeking a kingdom result at the end of my life, not an earthly one. So where I live, how I dress, what I drive, my job, my friends, where I go.....will all mean nothing when I'm gone. But what I do matters to me and to God, and how I use the time He gives me. 

This is being made abundantly clearer to me as time goes on, and I can only see His hand at work and it's exciting. 

Someone asked me the other day "what if you're wrong and it was just subconscious set you on this road?" Fine. I will pursue the process as long as I can until I KNOW it's not right; and I will. Know, that is. Be it my husband, my kids, my life, my health, I believe something will happen that will give me a definite "no". So far I'm only feling green lights. (Except for the money part, but we haven't got there and besides that's another post!)

Our local newspaper had a story about a US family who adopted three - yes three - boys with albinism from China. Their children had grown up and God directed them to adopt. I finally read the article after numerous attempts, getting too emotionally involved didn't help. 

 Now I read China are changing some of the processes, more post adoption reports and maybe more pre adoption checks as well? Al in the interests of the child's safety and I think it's great, just wondering what will be ahead!

So trying to juggle head and heart is hard, but I'm getting there. Realising I need to slow down so my husband can catch up (not being mean, just saying he needs to catch the dream too and it will likely take longer.And understanding that patience is my reward at the end of this what appears to be long road.

reading and emails and blogging, oh my!

As I have mentioned, I joined some online e-lists and have had several conversations online and privately with some of the people involved.  And wow! some of them live in the same state as me, even wthin "coffee catch up" distance in some cases. This is great; it gives me people to talk to who "get it" and won't get sick of me talking about myself. :) People are very patient but I find myself biting my tongue to stop talking a lot.

I asked about some of the emotional changes people find in pre- and post- adoption. (Like forever wanting to talk about it even though it's a way off, for example, lol)  The answers may surprise people, but I'll save them for another post.

I have been reading a lot too. (My husband hates the bedside light on til past 1 am while I'm engrossed in a book) Currently reading "the waiting child:how the faith and love of one orphan saved the life of another" which tells of a little girl's love for a younger child left behind in China. It brings out a lot of things I hadn't necessarily thought of. Like a child leaving with a parent who isn't dark haired and Asian like they are. How can this person be called "mama"? Like the harsh punishment and conditions still in some orphanages. (Book published 2003) Like....so much!

Once again I have had my heart and mind opened. I pray a hedge of protection around Levi, and trust he will recognise and know love when it's his unconditionally.

And youtube? How wonderful it is that families share their "gotcha" day videos.. but how sad that I have discovered them! And that I insist on watching "just one more" so I can cry again. Getting so soppy!

And one of my favourite websites, etsy, has been gettng a bit of a hammering from my IP address lately too. Especially since I discovered so much adoption related stuff on there. Etsy is for homemade craft and gifts, and I just love browsing its stores. So check this out!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68914801/thank-you-for-asking-card-set-20-cards

A "thank you for asking" card kit especially for adoptive parents and the stupid "but is he your son" questions. One side of the card is from a parent's perspective, the other about a child's. Not saying I want them, I just think they're neat.
And because I'm such an internet junkie I'm compiling lists of books for kids and parents, for jewelry and gifts... and so on. Other people have done it, I know, but it's a way of filling in time til I can formalise something!!

And.. getting back to the beginning of this post, one of the parents I emailed told me that they lodged their papers with China and had a match a month later! (This is special needs (SN) which is a very different route to non special needs adoptions) I was blown away. Could this be our fate as well?

Legacy of an Adopted Child

(Writer unknown)

Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality the other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile the other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me through your tears
The age old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment which are you a product of?
Neither my Darling, neither.
Just two different kinds of Love.

so long status quo

So while not much is happening documentation and government wise, and nothing can til we see the powers that be (PTB) in May, I'm going to indulge in my thoughts and conversations.

I have had this song in my head for a while, and while it may not resonate with some, for me, in this path, it is just where I am right now. The song is by Nichole Nordeman, one of my favourite Christian musicians.

Brave (Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce)

The gate is wide, the road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground, you're safe and sound and
Until now, it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo, I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small and I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say your name, just your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me, that changes everything

2005 Birdwing Music / Birdboy Songs (ASCAP), admin. by EMI CMG Publishing / Sony/ATV Songs LLC / JohnnyO Music (BMI)
© 2005 Sparrow

The funny thing is that this is how I'm feeling -I think I just let go of the status quo
 and the way it's always been isn't good enough now. And reading other people's stories merely confirms this in my mind. It seems like it's the way it's always been meant to be, yet 12 months ago I'd have laughed if you'd told me...

I will likely be annoying the Dept Families and communities lady again soon, so maybe we should pray that she has patience with me wanting to cast aside protocol and procedures.. and bring home a little man.I'm more than happy to comply with all the regulations and paperwork, I'd just like a little person to know he is wanted. I emphasise that HE is wanted, just him, by a family.

It feels like forever since I posted...

My laptop is mishbehaving so I only have my iPhone unless I am able to update at lunchtime (as I am now) And then I forgot my password to the blog (D'OH!!) All sorted now.

God still moves me in ways I'm unprepared for, and I'm just hanging in there waiting to see what happens next!  I have found great encouragement and inspiration through talking to friends and work colleagues, and now just want something to happen!

I wondered how a child of 6 or 7 could learn english after only knowing Mandarin / Pinyin for so long- maybe a helper / tutor in China once the child is assigned? I posted this idea on a forum and the response was good, and I was assured children learn the language quickly once they're immersed in it (at home). I have a Mandarin language book with some pictures so I'm trying to teach myself Mandarin besides ni-hao. (I don't want to be Kevin Rudd standard, just enough to get basic messages across)

I have read some great information lately that has spoken to me; this from one of my favourite bloggers, Dan, on his single dad laughin blog...
http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/how-much-did-your-kid-cost.html

dan's beautiful son is adopted and he mentions all the stupid questions he gets asked by complete strangers.

And this from straight talk, a blog about special needs adoption.
http://myshelbybaby.blogspot.com/2011/02/because-you-dont-fit-in-anymore.html

And this, which made me cry, was written by Tim Stowell.

Following

We knew our child before they knew us. God knew me before I knew Him.

We loved our child before they knew us. God loved me before I knew Him.

We prepared a place for our child before they knew us. He prepared a place for me before I knew Him.

At some point we went and redeemed our child. At some point He came and redeemed me.

We brought our child home to be in our family forever. He will bring me one day to His home to be with Him forever.

Realizing this I know that God's heart is in adoption.  As an adopted child of the King, I can do no less than to model His behavior.

Tim, 25 Jan 2011

I called the no fair rule on that one because it made my mascara run.

Thank you for the comments made by email and to me, I appreciate that people are following and joining us in this much anticipated journey. I am slowly unbending and telling selected people of our plans - it all seems so far away that I feel like a bit of a wally getting excited and sharing, but I am getting that I need to tell people, even though my husband isn't as confident as myself that everything will come together in time.  :) The Lord moves in mysterious ways and oh boy his moves have consisted of some bizarre ones lately!!

I am, for example, amazed at how big my heart is, that I "knew" my family was complete except for partners for my children and then grandchildren, but I have this new aching part that wants to be a mummy again to someone who's waiting for a mummy. whereever he is, God has him and I know he's being readied. To meet our noisy chaotic family, he's gonna have to be!

Shalom.

Heavier things

While one part of me has been thinking all these happy thoughts,  I have also still been doing a lot of reading and research into adoption.

I've been humbled and quietly chastised. The words "a family for a child" have even more meaning for me now. I am NOT rescuing a child, I'm not being brave or selfless. This isn't a great choice worthy of praise, nor an attention seeking gesture. I see that. It's opening my heart for more love. 


The people I have told have been, on the whole, supportive. Only one person said "haven't you got enough kids?".... I am reading of the negative comments people make, the ignorant and arrogant things people feel is their right to say. It'll be tough, but it'll be tougher for him.


He is the one giving up. Giving up the life he knows. Yes it's in an institution but it's all he knows! I am taking him from people and friends, everything that is "safe" to him, and gives him his security. The people who care for him and feed him. I'm taking him from that and bringing him half way around the world to a new culture, language, family and .. life. He has to learn to call me mum, my husband dad... and he will have sisters and brothers who are a solid unit which will open to welcome him, but he won't know that. He will be a brave little soldier which is why I believe God put his needs on my heart. 


I have also had to learn a new respect for relinquishing mothers. How easy it was for me to arrogantly think "why would you abandon a 2 day old baby?" How dare I be so presumptuous? I have no idea of her situation! Maybe  - in fact I'm sure - her heart breaks for him every day. She gave him up so HE could have a better life, not so SHE could have a better life. Maybe she was forced to give him up. China's one child policy means a child with any disability could be given up... could a husband insist? Could her family insist? I won't know her story until I find out about our child.  And even then I may never find out. However, she is his birth mother. She nurtured his body for 9 months, she would have seen his little face... and she would, I'm sure, have cried over him. And still...she.. gave..him...up. How that must hurt! Such an act of love....I can only honour her as his mother through his life. I may be his mum, but she'll always be his "real" mother. I have read of families who also celebrate her (even if unknown) every mothers day. Some of these families send updates to orphanages in the hope that one day she may be brave enough to come forward and ask about her child.


And so my heart is getting more ready, I am getting our family and our home ready. He will have low vision; I won't know how low until he is assigned to us. Once our papers are submitted and accepted this end, they go to China for the government there to find a child who fits our profile. They then "assign" the child to us, we get 72 hours to decide if we accept that particular child, then we proceed with travelling to China to collect him at an appointed date. 


My head tells me of all the pitfalls - the language barrier, the emotional needs, my work situation (in that I work full time as does my husband) schooling, technology to assist his vision.... but I know it's all just minor in the big picture. And I have such amazing friends and a fantastic church for support. We moved churches a few years ago. Not that the "old" one wouldn't have helped, but this one is more attuned to our relaxed attitude and allows us to grow.. and I know they'll embrace this little man and treasure him and us. I am so looking forward to it all!

What to think now?

I find my mind is almost overtaken with thoughts of adoption, The how why when... but after talking to my brother and praying about it myself, I know the timing will be right. Several things have come up over the last few months that frustrated me at the time, but now I know had I taken the opportunities, my road wouldn't be clear ahead.... so I know God has a plan, I'm just waiting for it to unfold. I have a feeling I'm to learn patience through this!

We headed into the city the day before my husband's surgery for an XRay. I kept mulling over in my head "is it yes or no for a little boy?" and in the end said "Give me a sign". I looked at the clouds... nothing happened. Oh-kay. Was that my sign? On the way home, a stunning rainbow greeted us which was magnificent in its brightness. I smiled at the rainbow, thinking "God knows how I think".... a sign from the clouds, just not the clouds I was looking at!

And why a boy? no reason in particular. I don't love my boys more than my girls and my girls weren't necessarily harder to bring up (we have two of each) The first photo I saw was of a little boy and it sealed gender for me. And why a child? As I mentioned previously, I don't believe I can "do" baby stuff again. And at my age  - it just suits me to have maybe a 5 or 6 year old. ... a one year old would learn language easier, and maybe adjust easier. An older child has more institutionalised time to break out of and language may be a barrier for longer... but I feel it's the way for me. School and kindergarten can be worked out........... and besides it's at least 12 months away......


I was with my husband  who was in pre-op getting drowsy. We talked about this and that and he started not talking as much.. and my mind wandered. I thought again about what I now called "our little boy". I wondered what we would call him.  7 of the eight kids names (2 each) are Hebrew / Biblical and I thought it would be nice to keep that going. So my mind went through names "A - there's Adam, Abraham...B there's Benjamin.. Man I could just go on all day like this, I need a baby name book really....." 
I heard, like a thought but stronger, "You want an L". I figured I could go with L. I'd call into Borders at lunchtime and check out a baby name book. Then I realised it wasn't me thought of an L.... woah.


On my walk to Borders, I was puzzling over the "L" thing when I felt quite strongly a "something" around my heart and again heard the thought "You need to start praying for him" I felt ashamed. Here I was thinking about a possibility while my husband was heading in for major surgery. "No, not him. You need to pray for your little boy. Those who are caring for him and will care for him. Get him ready,prepare his heart." So I did. (I also prayed for my husband while I was at it!)


Oh wow, I was so stunned. I felt breathless but excited. I wandered through a few stores before I got to Borders. Once there, I grabbed a coffee and sat for a while trying to get my head around what had happened. I went upstairs and had a look around before I took a couple of adoption books off the shelf to choose from plus a baby name book. I chose the adoption book first, figuring if I didn't need it I could resell it on ebay.

The I opened the baby name book. To the boy's section, then to "L" I scanned for Hebrew names. The first one I found was Lazarus, he who was raised from the dead. That could work but I knew it wouldn't. This little man would look different being Chinese, look different having albinism and would struggle with other issues, I didn't want to saddle him with a big name too. The next name I saw was Levi. I just knew this was "my" name. I closed the book with shaking hands. 


It was going to be real. It was going to happen. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Instead I just prayed a quiet prayer of thanks that God was so obviously in charge and giving me this privelege, to allow me another child to bring up in His will and love. My heart was racing but I felt calm. 


I eventually left Borders but went elsewhere... I felt like the rest of the world was walking around ignorant of my joy. I didn't have a pregnant belly, I didn't have a pram or a sling with a baby, but I knew we had a child somewhere waiting for us. I was.. emotionally pregnant, to steal a phrase I read about.


All this doesn't mean my children don't matter or don't exist or cease to be important. Not at all. I will be relying on them even more once this little man comes along, their help and their acceptance will be crucial to his attachment and his fitting in. (By the way... Levi means "attached" in Hebrew).  It's because of them I can have confidence in taking this step, through their love and their .. just being themselves.... that mean I am free to broaden their lives as well.


I didn't tell my husband for a few days. His recovery from surgery was amazingly quick, he'd been told he may lose his voice permanently, his nerves spine and windpipe were also at risk of being compromised, but he was talking in recovery and waving his hand and arm around; and flexing his fingers...things he hasn't been able to do for a year or so. God was so in control and proving it to us over and again.


When I did tell him, he shrugged and said "Let's see what happens" Which doesn't mean he is hesitant or anti the thoughts, just that he is more cautious than me. Which is lucky really!


I am still in awe, though!!

Next steps. Little steps.

During the phone call from DFC, I was encouraged to join some online forums and groups, meet with other adoptive parents and see how I really felt.  Some of these I did and am glad I did!  I joined a couple of yahoo! online groups and have seen discussions about all aspects of adoption. People with children home, people waiting to hear they have a child, people whose papers have got lost in the system... people from all around the world who have the desire to adopt overseas, most looking to adopt a child with a special need.

I was told by a friend to prepare for an emotional roller coaster and I'm beginning to understand why. One adoptive parent reminded me that the process is "finding a family for a child, not a child for a family" which is a valid point. It's not me / us rescuing a child, it's our family being open to another child. It's us who will be receiving the blessing through a child, not "a poor child being saved" which of course is true, but not the reality.


Apparently our whole lives will be analysed, the family interviewed, our financials checked and our fitness as parents evaluated. Baring our souls much?

So while still not  100% convinced this is the way to go, my mind is still ticking over. Maybe I'm meant to be an advocate for adopting a child with albinism. I figure of all the special needs conditions, albinism must be one of the easiest to deal with. But then I realise each to their own. Some people need to care for a child with a missing limb, or with cerebral palsy. We all know our own strengths and what our family can deal with. For example, I know I'm not able to go back to sleepless nights, teething and nappies. For others who've never experienced that, it's their dream. 


Maybe I'm just meant to visit an orphanage..... but when I look, it doesn't appear Australian organisations visit Chinese orphanages; the Chinese are particular about who gets into their children. I don't believe it's to hide anything, more just for the sake of the children in care. 


I borrow books from the library about overseas and SN adoptions, which whet my appetite enough for me to buy a couple for myself. Then we go to visit my brother and his family.


My youngest brother and his wife have 3 little people in their lives and he has a very strong faith. Because I wasn't sure about my own feelings, I hesitated to tell him of my thoughts.


He said "go for it" when I eventually did bring it up. He reminded me to test and see if it really was of God, but the fact that I wrote "adopt a child" probably meant I wasn't to visit orphans or advocate for orphans. Pfft... I knew that but hearing it gave me courage. If money, time, pride or selfishness was an issue, God would sort it if it was His wish for us to have this child. I felt quite buoyed by the conversations with him and his precious wife. 


So baby steps along the way.....

So what's next?

My husband and I spoke to all our children before this took place, so we knew whether to take it any further. All four were supportive (well the youngest promised support if I'd allow him to go to a friend's party, but I figured that was close enough) At that stage I was hoping to adopt a child / baby from Africa, as the KWA and babies (and adults) are tortured maimed and killed for their body parts which are believed to hold magical powers. An arm, a brain or a hand can bring much money to the deliverer so albinos are very much in danger, and I considered saving one child would help. However, Australia doesn't have adoption agreements with Africa, so my plans were stopped there.

I understand the reasoning behind this, and countries who signed the Hague agreement are those Australia has links with. I support this as well as this ensures the legality, safety and legitimacy of an adoption and keeps the child's interest the focus. While it brings to mind the frustration of celebrity adoptions, in that money appears to mean adopting more easily, without a wait or red tape, I don't ever want the heartache of wondering if the child is really mine, if someone can claim parental rights in the future and want a reduction in any problems with passports visas etc for the child in the future.

I received a phone call from DFC in response to my email. A lot was explained to me about the process which left me a bit shell shocked, to be honest.
Not in a bad way, mind you, just wondering what I'd started!
So we BOTH have to attend an information session about overseas adoption, a session about adopting a child with special needs, do a six week training course, have several home studies / interviews and fill in masses of paperwork.
Uh-hunh, cool. The information sessions about OS adoption are run quarterly, the SN sessions ANNUALLY. Yes annually. However, not to worry both sessions were being held on Feb 17th.
My husband was booked in for a spinal discectomy on Feb 16th, and would in no way be capable of attending the session. *insert sad face here*
Not to worry, I was told, we could attend the next general session, then get paperwork,  visits and training done by next February and be ready to attend the SN session and submit paperwork. Wow twelve months!
Twelve months. Is this a good thing or not?.......

Stepping back in time....

So I should have started this blog several months ago but I have only just got around to it! So many thoughts in my head in my heart... so I'll go back to the very beginning and keep blogging up til now. If you've been on the journey with me, I thank you for not discounting my dream, and for your encouragement.

In the latter part of 2010 I did some leadership training, which was of immeasurable value to me personally and in my worklife. In the last session, Anna the trainer told us to write, without thinking, five things we would do if time and money were no object. I wrote:
1. Travel.
2. Help the underserved.

I hesitated, then without knowing what I'd write I started and there came
3. Adopt a child with albinism.

I didn't get any further in my list.

I was pretty stunned because this had NOT been a consideration in my life. Never.
To those who don't know me, I have albinism. I am the 48 year old mum of 4, who are aged 22, 20, 18 and 16. At the end of this year (2011) all four of our children will have finished their schooling and two have already left home.
So you can see that bringing a child into this home isn't a logical step.
I mulled over this thought for quite a while, unable to grasp they "why" of having written it. Was it really my subconscious? I can honestly say no. While at an international conference for people with albinism (PWA) in July 2010 I saw a number of American families who had adopted kids with albinism (KWA) mainly from China. I looked at them and did not feel any stirrings of desire to follow their lead. In fact I thought "but why would you? It's nice, but....why?"

Famous last words?

My husband keeps reiterating how next year we'll have no children at home and can travel the world every couple of years, in preparation for grandchildren... so I didn't know how to tell him this was in my head, but the more I tried to forget about it, the more it came to front of mind.

Finally, after an argument, my husband asked me what had been bothering me 'for so long'. I said "well I want to adopt a baby with albinism and you won't let me." Silence.
Then he said "So have we talked about this? Have you actually asked me?"

Discussion ensued. :) With me saying "but I know how much you're looking forward to an empty house, I don't know why I'm thinking this, part of me thinks it's from God, part of me thinks I just need to go help the orphans, part of me is just confused"

He said "go ahead and look into what's involved. Let's see if we even can, and then decide what to do"
Bless him, he puts up with my whims and tantrums and now he's putting up with this... this whatever it is.

I started researching. I found a photo of a little boy about 6 years old on an American agency website and I fell madly in love with his photo. (They say 'Don't fall in love with a photo" now I know why) His little earnest face captured my heart and filled me with something I can't put into words. Just an overwhelming sense of....something indefinable.

So then I researched Australian overseas adoptions. Oh hang on, a whole new ballgame develops! In Australia, you can't use an agency, you use the government of your state. And you can't choose a child, a child is chosen for you. And it can cost....sooo much!!! And I read of people waiting years.

So what was happening? I didn't feel so happy with this, especially when I had "my" little boy's photo in my mind!

I tentatively mentioned my thoughts to a few close friends, who were supportive. I emailed a US friend (with albinism) who was one of those who had adopted a KWA from China to seek her advice and do comparisons. I was left with more questions. Why could it be done so easily in America and not here?

So. Armed with possibly more bravado than sense I emailed the Dept of Families and Communities in my home state and anxiously awaited their reply.