Another year older...

Very long time; I have just pulled this blog out from under the dust and re-read it.

A lot has happened since I posted, as well. 

China and orphans
I joined a mercy team to visit orphans and displaced children in China. Unbelievable experience and seeing God's hand in everything, amazing beyond words.

The little girl with albinism in China?
I have met her. She is a delight and has changed grown and filled out since I first saw her photos. Comfort and security plus a healthy lifestyle wrought some of this. Love and God did the most.

The little boy with albinism in China?
Has a forever family in the US. I met someone who knows of his new family. I am comforted that he is loved.

Me?
A broken vessel, still. Trying hard to be His daughter and worthy but failing miserably at every turn, still.

I do see God's hand. 
I see how my research into adoption helped with visiting orphanages with a heart open to truly loving the children there.
I see how the same research and digging gave me an awareness of what is happening in adoption so I could have a heart ready for displaced children.
I see how my focus on one child opened doors that would otherwise have remained closed to my mind.
I see how blogging the mind wanderings led me to people I otherwise would never know. People who adopt more than one child, whose hearts are broken for and by the process, but who know that saving one child gives one child a chance.
I see how I gained more knowledge about special needs and differences.
I see how through showing me this, God broke me and remade me.

I see how I learnt mercy, grace, faith and obedience.
I see how I forget that I learnt all these things on a daily basis, as I am impatient, grumpy, inattentive, judgemental and unforgiving.
I see how far I can and do fall, and how He can pick me up again.

I see how through it all He had a plan. 
I also see that it isn't finished yet.

It's been a while

It has in fact been a while since I wrote here, my heart wouldn't let me do it. I'd come and sit, and look at an empty screen, lost for what to write. In that time I could have written a book on what I have learnt, what God has shown me and what has happened - but I didn't. If I wrote it all here it would be such a "poor me" episode. So I deliberately ignored the page.

"Serendipity" is one of my favourite words. Simply because of the way it rolls off the tongue, also because... wow, when it happens it's amazing. Serendipity is finding a treasure while you're looking for something else. 

I was looking at ways I could get to China and "be" in an orphanage / foster home. And wondering how this would affect me, and how I'd recover, and how I'd get my husband to go with me... and... and...

And then in another part of my life, the Albinism Fellowship of Australia, we received a letter from a lady with a foster home in China. She was about to receive a child to care for, a little girl with albinism. What could she do, how could she look after her, what did she need?

My heart lifted. THIS I could help with. THIS I knew. Emails went back and forth, with me falling over myself saying "what do you need? What can I send you? How can I help you?"

This has GOT to be another one of those "God" things that keep happening.  Okay so originally I thought of a boy about 6. This is a girl of a different age, but wow ..He existed, and he has a family. I still pray for "Levi" and his family, and I now have a little girl to pray for. 

We have just signed up as her sponsor family, so rather than a child overseas who we pay money for but don't connect with, I have already seen a number of photos, read of her progress and sent her a care package. I'm not rushing headlong in, I'm not going to break my own heart again, she has a safe place, she is loved and cared for and she will continue to progress in her own environment. One day maybe I'll get to see her, and love her even more.

Concern about her confidentiality means I won't post her name, her area or her photo. Just know she is there and  --- very cute! "She's our little sister" said a friend with albinism. In the month I have known of her existence she has gone from shy, no confidence, unable to eat independently and just lacking in love to a happy, eating, laughing child, blossoming in the love given to her by her ayi and carers.  These carers are there to do God's work with these lovely ones, and I thank Him for their lives, that they can do it. 

Thank you God for giving me one step ahead. Can't wait for the next one!

Time passages

So because I'm not from the US I can't check / see any agency stuff, but have been told the little man I was praying for was matched via an agency (Holt Int told me but couldn't tell me any more, which i SOOOOOO understand and I'm thrilled they gave me that much)

I just asked that a message go to the family that they know he was hedged in prayer during the time they'd have been planning their paperwork. I still think of him and wish him the absolute best but can't do anything more but pray, which again, I understand.

But .... if anyone's agency shows a recently matched family for a little boy with albinism, he's the one. I don't know what I want anyone to do, I guess just confirm he definitely has a forever family? I have his DOB but won't put it here....I know I won't meet him and I don't want to freak anyone out thinking I'm a "creeper", I just hope they know how blessed they will be... as I had such strong heart tugs for him, and God continually prompted me- he is, I'm sure, an awesome kid.

I also know that the new family don't need to know. 
That it was between me and God and that's fine, but a little part of me just wants the secret sweet connection to stay. 
Not that he stay in China, but that I always feel the connection to him.
Does any of this make sense? In my muddled up mind it does.  :)

it's the song of the heart.....

So here we go again 2 weeks later. I have contacted some adoption agencies in the US and yes the little man whose photo drew me in has been matched. I have emailed asking that my message be passed on to his new family if they have the connections but I don't think they do. 
There is an organisation in the USA "NOAH" (National Organisation for Albinism and Hypopigmentation) who have a conference every two years. My husband and I ventured over for the 2010 conference and he hopes to go to 2012. I wonder if we do that this little man's family will take him along to make friends? Hmm..

As I wrote in my last post it's been suggested I visit orphanages. Meh, maybe. I've put out feelers and two have said "yes come" but I'm not sure it's where I'm meant to be. It doesn't sit in my heart the way adoption did. It just felt right, this doesn't. I'm happy to pursue it though. One travel organisation do group holiday tours to China with an orphanage visit tied in, which satisfies two needs, but even so it doesn't capture me totally. I'm not at all sure it's right.


My husband and I attended the first information session for potential adoptive parents within a few days of my last post. It was "interesting" said he.  I didn't really learn new information except that Taiwan has opened as an adoptive country. We were the oldest couple there, which I found amusing. When the talk about special needs came up I perked up and joined in the conversation, adding "the age limit parameters change" which I think explained to the younger couples why we were in attendance. My husband says he's still not the right person to "do this", and that's fine, it's all in God's hands and he has certainly surprised us before.
The questions some of the attendees asked made me think I need to write an information sheet or something.  :) Things like "do they do genetic testing on the children so you have knowledge of anything they might have?" and "What about if you adopt a child who isn't as healthy as they say?
I wanted to stand on my chair and say "Life is like that!!" I imagine these people may have struggled with infertility and other griefs and struggles, but every pregnant couple goes through the "what about genetics" issue. Did great grandad have a heart attack? Doesn't your cousin have a child with....
There are no guarantees with biological children either. It's hit and miss. 
Take my own genetic condition of albinism. One in every 70 - 75 people carries the gene for albinism (I know.. who knew, right?)
However because it's recessive, it requires the other party to also carry the albinsm gene. Even then, every child that couple has has a 1 in 4 chance of having albinism. So if for three generations there have only been two maybe three children in each family, it can have skipped those generations, then appear in a baby and everyone is stunned - "where did it come from"? 
Albinism of course would be pretty evident from birth, as the hair and skin have no little or pigment and the child will possibly have nystagmus (wobbly eyes) but some genetic conditions take years to show.
And just because you're paying the governmentfor a child doesn't guarantee you anything, just a child. And you will love adore and lay your life down for that child regardless of anything, once you have them in your arms. Trust me on that.
So getting back to the original thought behind this post, if you happen to hear of a family adopting a little boy with albinsm who is about 6 and a half years old, he may be the child I'm thinking of. I don't want contact, I have no right to ask, I just want his new parents to know he was upheld during the time they were waiting for him.

 

Home sweet home

I have kept an eye on the little man I called "Levi" and he has disappeared off the blogs and waiting child lists. I pray this means he has found his forever family. If there's any way I can find out who his new parents are I'd love to. Just to tell them I will continue to pray for them and him. He tugged so so hard on my heartstrings. Bless you little man, may the life you have be wonderful. One day I hope I meet you. 

PS It doesn't stop my heart hurting though.

Slow healing heart

A number of years ago I suffered a miscarriage. People said the darndest things afterward. A lot due to ignorance and a lot due to overcompensating for me. I found forgiveness for their seeming cutting comments and learnt how to respond to someone who has suffered the same....The last week or so has been the same regarding comments. Amazing. So this is for everyone who tries to help....
I am hurting, and I am sad. Something I dreamed and prayed about was taken away before I could gel with it. I knew it was always a maybe, I knew there were incredible hurdles to cross, and I knew it was a massive change that I, no matter how much research and study I did, would never quite be prepared for.
So while I know that people trying to "fix" the situation for me mean well, I must implore that your "fixing" isn't needed. You are trying to mend a hole - the size and shape you cannot even begin to grasp - with human shaped solutions.
God put this hope in my heart, He gave me this dream, so trying to find the right size "fix" just isn't going to happen. The only fix to completely mend it will come from God. I wait only for His help.

It may well be that visiting orphans is the way God sees me heal, but insisting it's the logical next step for me scares me; that this is seen as an easy way to fill the cracks that have appeared. I hold my thoughts because I don't want to hurt you, but you don't know.YOU chose not to research and not to look. I opened my heart and I looked. And broke my own heart as well.

Babies and children who never learn to eat properly because their mealtime is so rushed; too many mouths to feed by too few workers. Going from babies drinking from a bottle propped on a pillow, then to force fed by spoon faster than they can healthily swallow, then to getting small bland servings of food they have to gulp down so the other children don't steal their food.

Babies and children wearing and sharing clothes. Whoever gets out of bed first gets the first pick of the clothes. Get up  bit late and you get the clothes that don't fit are worn are thinning...

Only shared toys, anything donated even for a particular child is treated as shared property. You know how my heart aches for children whose mummies don't read to them. Nobody reads to these babies. Ever.

I see 147 million of these angels around the world with not one person as a constant for them. Fallen over and skimmed your knee? Toughen up, no mummy to run to, no mummy to kiss it better, no mummy to put a bandaid on it and certainly no mummy to cuddle you afterwards. If anyone has time to look after you it's not going to be the same person who looked after you last time you fell over. So you live your whole life knowing there isn't ONE constant. Nobody to hold you if you have a nightmare, nobody to answer your questions about "why do elephants have trunks? Why does the sun go down at night? Why did my parents leave me?" You'll work out your own answers; chances are you won't go to school, why would you, it's not like you'll be living a productive life when you leave the orphanage at 14 if you haven't been adopted by then.

And this is where you say I'll find fulfillment and a mend for my broken heart? Watching more children fall through the cracks of despair? Please don't insult me. You say this way is better because I can help more than one child. Even if I set up a years worth of people to help, there still isn't a constant for one child. Not ONE person they can depend on.

Give one child a family and that child has a name, and belongs. The can play with a toy and know they can put it down and it will be there for them when they come back, because it belongs to them. Knowing that if they are cold, there are more clothes in their room to put on, clothes that fit, and will keep them warm.  Unimaginable. And just becuase they don't know any better now doesn't make it right. And someone to love them. Someone who waits for them who prays for them and who wants...them.

You somehow feel that once you (though you call it "we") find the right sized box my problem will fit in, we can close the lid and everything will be okay. So advocating and speaking out for adoption is another fix you think is "the" answer. Again it's your answer, a human answer to neatly fix the hole and move on to the next problem.

You don't begin to understand the situation. It's not your fault, unless you have dug as deeply as me, and spoken to others, you can't know. But understand that I DO know....and respect that I may understand different angles of what you're saying. In other countries I can advocate all I like for waiting children, but not for Australian parents. That's not how it works here. And how effective can I be speaking out about adoption when....I have no experience? Who will listen?

Imagine all your life you've wanted to restore a 1962 classic car.. and the perfect opportunity comes up for you to get one, but you can't for whatever reason.  Or you love your sports club so much and you get the chance to buy in to ownership, but you can't take it up. Or your dream property comes up; all you've ever wanted, and it's doable, but you can't actually go to the next step.

However. You are instead offered the chance to go to classic car shows to see restored beauties and talk to renovators.. or to go to the home games of your team... Or to a real estate convention where dream homes are discussed and planned.

It's fun but it's not the real deal. It's not what you dreamed about, and it's not what you saw dangled in front of you and it's not going to heal you.

The three examples I gave are all of material possessions. These mean and always have meant very little to me. Having my family around me is what's important. As fractious wriggly temperamental and hormonal as they are, my family is what matters. But some people measure by material needs, so they suited the example.

I know my dream for Levi is pretty much over; and I'm dealing with that. God has given me peace. I know you find that hard to believe but He really has. He loves me! ...and what we all need to remember is that we are ALL orphans. We all need a constant, a rudder, a love that never goes away. God is the only one who can give that. We can reject it, and many do, but He still waits for us and loves us. He takes us from our wretched world and our garbage that we call living and frees us, and we are given His name for eternity. He has a home for us which He is making ready for us, which is more than we can hope or dream of, and he loves us......

just like adoption!

And what a parent to have, what a family to join.

So please understand that I love you and appreciate your help, but sometimes, words are too much to bear.

It's not over til it's over

I can only say thank you to all the people who have emailed me contacted me and prayed for this situation. It means a lot to me. I am more at peace than I thought I would or could be.
I am rethinking my strategies and will keep this blog open while I do so, and keep blogging my thoughts. 
Be it advocating visiting politicking or just praying, this is where my heart is and I soooo can't leave it be. My heart won't let me.
Shalom.