So anyway I've known in my heart of hearts for a while now it was coming and here it is.
The definite "Oh thank God" when I said I didn't know if I should keep going looking to adopt.
The final nail in the coffin.
Cant write anymore just now.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
the lost was found
I realised I didn't finish part of what I started in the last post. I lost my little charm bracelet on Saturday. On the Sunday I rang each store I'd been in, to no avail; nobody had found it.
Tuesday at 5pm I got a call to say it had turned up and I could come collect it anytime. I honestly think the woman who rang me got a surprise at my enthusiastic response. It really doesn't look like much, two small charms on a chain, but one as I said is special and the other is from our time in Pennsylvania in Amish country, so I guess also special to me.
So now I have my bracelet back on my arm and can feel the weight of "my little china bug" again. Wonderful!
One of the e-lists I subscribe to consists of many people of faith. They are always calling for prayer for children, or families, always thanking God for His love and His powerful way of moving. Some of the stories they tell are so amazing they can ONLY be God driven. I find this list to be such a blessing in my life; even something as simple as a reply to someone else's message saying "God is great" is enough to remind me that..He is!! To these unknown e-friends, thank you for your support for each other and your continual outpouring of God's love.
Totally off China topics: In this week before Easter, I discovered the following video. A church in (I think) Texas got together and performed a "flash mob" dance to a song that won't go out of my head. At the end of the performance, all 2000 church members stepped out of their brand new shoes and left them for the needy. Being the church in the community... I love this. Being God in the community and showing His love in a way that touches people? Truly awesome in every sense of the word. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have, and are inspired to "Dance your shoes off". The obvious joy on these faces inspires me. If I wasn't so physically unco-ordinated (I keep using the wrong left foot) I'd be in something like this in a blink.
Tuesday at 5pm I got a call to say it had turned up and I could come collect it anytime. I honestly think the woman who rang me got a surprise at my enthusiastic response. It really doesn't look like much, two small charms on a chain, but one as I said is special and the other is from our time in Pennsylvania in Amish country, so I guess also special to me.So now I have my bracelet back on my arm and can feel the weight of "my little china bug" again. Wonderful!
One of the e-lists I subscribe to consists of many people of faith. They are always calling for prayer for children, or families, always thanking God for His love and His powerful way of moving. Some of the stories they tell are so amazing they can ONLY be God driven. I find this list to be such a blessing in my life; even something as simple as a reply to someone else's message saying "God is great" is enough to remind me that..He is!! To these unknown e-friends, thank you for your support for each other and your continual outpouring of God's love.
Totally off China topics: In this week before Easter, I discovered the following video. A church in (I think) Texas got together and performed a "flash mob" dance to a song that won't go out of my head. At the end of the performance, all 2000 church members stepped out of their brand new shoes and left them for the needy. Being the church in the community... I love this. Being God in the community and showing His love in a way that touches people? Truly awesome in every sense of the word. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have, and are inspired to "Dance your shoes off". The obvious joy on these faces inspires me. If I wasn't so physically unco-ordinated (I keep using the wrong left foot) I'd be in something like this in a blink.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KX2-J6uS-o
The song is available at iTunes, title dance your shoes off.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
where do I begin?
Funny how song titles keep coming to me as blog post titles!
I've had a bit of a crazy week in a lot of areas of my life, in this particular strand as well. I hope this post makes sense, my head is all over the place and I am in my lunch break and hurrying.....
My not hundred percent sure husband is even less sure of which direction to move in. He has the same concerns as most RH's (reluctant husbands, I'm picking up the lingo by jingo) of in 12 months we're likely to have no kids at home and can enjoy life unencumbered by their needs, in 8 years he could retire, we haven't got grandkids yet but adopting a child could affect my relationship with my current kids and their as yet unconceived offspring. And then some. And the money. Oh the money. I know the amount of money we would need to raise is way more than we can, it's as much as we paid for a car which we put on a lease so we didn't have to pay upfront.... and it's staggering. I truly believe if God means for this to happen He will find a way. He always does. Whether processes are indented slightly or waivers (unheard of in Australia) happen, or something else along the international adoption line, or we discover money saving habits or I finally get published or whatever, I do believe if it's meant to be it will happen.
I could argue this and other points til the world ends, but then I'd be a nagging fishwife again, and I'm so over being her, she drags me down and cancels out the joy God has for me. So instead I read some more blogs through my hurting heart. "Let go and let God" kept coming up, and hey I know that. But KNOWING it is different. I ignored it for a few days and then in frustration with myself gave it up to Him. I told Him that I WAS happy to accept whatever road this went in. I know my husband and I know myself and if I have to give this up, so be it. The little man with the beautiful name will always be someone I pray for and I trust God will find Levi a forever family if it's not to be mine. I also prayed for peace with my decision and God's decision. It has come.
So why go through all this if it's not meant to be? Because I was obedient to God's call. He asked me to look and I did. He gave me the information and I did what I could with it. I researched examined and researched again. I have learned so much I didn't know about children waiting with special needs, about the conditions of chinese and other orphanages, of the hearts breaking all over the world for these children and the loving people who advocate and pray daily for them. God is mighty and He is moving mighty people.
But hey no I'm not giving this all away, I'm just accepting that if it isn't to be, it isn't to be. I think my husband, who will hate to read this, is one of those people who wants to know the end of the story before he starts it. Rather than just stepping out in faith and believing, he'd like the comfort of knowing all will be well before he does. And that's fine, it's where most people are, it's quite normal. I have learnt so much about faith and grace in this journey that it takes my breath away and I know others aren't on the same journey, aren't as far along on the journey or have their own baggage to sort before they can even begin the journey. And so I will pray for those mentioned in the earlier paragraph whose hearts are there for the children.
I am often randomly prompted to pray for Levi. It's NOT a conscious thing, he just comes into mind and I do it. (same with my kids). For what reason I don't know. Is he scared, cold, sad, being picked on, hungry, all of the above? I just pray for God to hold him is all. I was doing exactly this while waiting for a prescription in the pharmacy. I looked up and saw a charm stand, with one only charm of a red ladybug. As this has been my "thing" while thinking along this path, I grabbed it. Then realised I don't have a charm bracelet. So I bought one of those too.
I lost the charm bracelet in a store on the weekend - don't buy cheap charm bracelets, the catch gave way - and while it wasn't even remotely a special or expensive piece of jewellery, it had the significance of having "Levi's bug" on it. So losing it broke me, with it happening right after my husband and I had exchanged words over the adoption process. My heart did break. I figured it was a "just give up" sign. Oh how Satan loves to put his little claws into us! I couldn't believe how much it upset me to lose it, I'm so not a girly girly or jewellery girl, rarely buying anything like that, but upset me it did. However I now see it was part of the catalyst to my resigning myself to "que sera sera" and giving the whole thing over to God. I have given up all control of the situation, apart from emailing and blogging, (because I love a keyboard and a blank page!) and know that by the time others are convinced of the "right" thing to do the chance may be gone.
I can shrug and say "and that's fine" again. It isn't fine really. I have cried, I have been furious and am crying again, but I know in my heart it IS okay. If it's meant to be it will be. And my husband won't give in and say "oh if it's what you REALLY want" he'll be right there with me. Otherwwise I'll continue praying for Levi and other children like him, maybe one day I'll go visit them, organise a mission trip, whatever. What I have learnt is so amazingly eye and heart opening that whichever way it goes, God will truly be blessed.
Him and me, we're on a journey. Only He knows the end of the story!
I've had a bit of a crazy week in a lot of areas of my life, in this particular strand as well. I hope this post makes sense, my head is all over the place and I am in my lunch break and hurrying.....
My not hundred percent sure husband is even less sure of which direction to move in. He has the same concerns as most RH's (reluctant husbands, I'm picking up the lingo by jingo) of in 12 months we're likely to have no kids at home and can enjoy life unencumbered by their needs, in 8 years he could retire, we haven't got grandkids yet but adopting a child could affect my relationship with my current kids and their as yet unconceived offspring. And then some. And the money. Oh the money. I know the amount of money we would need to raise is way more than we can, it's as much as we paid for a car which we put on a lease so we didn't have to pay upfront.... and it's staggering. I truly believe if God means for this to happen He will find a way. He always does. Whether processes are indented slightly or waivers (unheard of in Australia) happen, or something else along the international adoption line, or we discover money saving habits or I finally get published or whatever, I do believe if it's meant to be it will happen.
I could argue this and other points til the world ends, but then I'd be a nagging fishwife again, and I'm so over being her, she drags me down and cancels out the joy God has for me. So instead I read some more blogs through my hurting heart. "Let go and let God" kept coming up, and hey I know that. But KNOWING it is different. I ignored it for a few days and then in frustration with myself gave it up to Him. I told Him that I WAS happy to accept whatever road this went in. I know my husband and I know myself and if I have to give this up, so be it. The little man with the beautiful name will always be someone I pray for and I trust God will find Levi a forever family if it's not to be mine. I also prayed for peace with my decision and God's decision. It has come.
So why go through all this if it's not meant to be? Because I was obedient to God's call. He asked me to look and I did. He gave me the information and I did what I could with it. I researched examined and researched again. I have learned so much I didn't know about children waiting with special needs, about the conditions of chinese and other orphanages, of the hearts breaking all over the world for these children and the loving people who advocate and pray daily for them. God is mighty and He is moving mighty people.
But hey no I'm not giving this all away, I'm just accepting that if it isn't to be, it isn't to be. I think my husband, who will hate to read this, is one of those people who wants to know the end of the story before he starts it. Rather than just stepping out in faith and believing, he'd like the comfort of knowing all will be well before he does. And that's fine, it's where most people are, it's quite normal. I have learnt so much about faith and grace in this journey that it takes my breath away and I know others aren't on the same journey, aren't as far along on the journey or have their own baggage to sort before they can even begin the journey. And so I will pray for those mentioned in the earlier paragraph whose hearts are there for the children.
I am often randomly prompted to pray for Levi. It's NOT a conscious thing, he just comes into mind and I do it. (same with my kids). For what reason I don't know. Is he scared, cold, sad, being picked on, hungry, all of the above? I just pray for God to hold him is all. I was doing exactly this while waiting for a prescription in the pharmacy. I looked up and saw a charm stand, with one only charm of a red ladybug. As this has been my "thing" while thinking along this path, I grabbed it. Then realised I don't have a charm bracelet. So I bought one of those too.
I lost the charm bracelet in a store on the weekend - don't buy cheap charm bracelets, the catch gave way - and while it wasn't even remotely a special or expensive piece of jewellery, it had the significance of having "Levi's bug" on it. So losing it broke me, with it happening right after my husband and I had exchanged words over the adoption process. My heart did break. I figured it was a "just give up" sign. Oh how Satan loves to put his little claws into us! I couldn't believe how much it upset me to lose it, I'm so not a girly girly or jewellery girl, rarely buying anything like that, but upset me it did. However I now see it was part of the catalyst to my resigning myself to "que sera sera" and giving the whole thing over to God. I have given up all control of the situation, apart from emailing and blogging, (because I love a keyboard and a blank page!) and know that by the time others are convinced of the "right" thing to do the chance may be gone.
I can shrug and say "and that's fine" again. It isn't fine really. I have cried, I have been furious and am crying again, but I know in my heart it IS okay. If it's meant to be it will be. And my husband won't give in and say "oh if it's what you REALLY want" he'll be right there with me. Otherwwise I'll continue praying for Levi and other children like him, maybe one day I'll go visit them, organise a mission trip, whatever. What I have learnt is so amazingly eye and heart opening that whichever way it goes, God will truly be blessed.
Him and me, we're on a journey. Only He knows the end of the story!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I dont want to be happy and comfortable
Okay so I'm linking to someone else's blog again. This doesn't mean I have nothing to write; far from it. My heart is full to bursting of stuff I should be writing but I'm just being....calm. :)
http://itsalmostnaptime.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-dont-want-my-children-to-be-happy.html
I read another blog this morning where some women visiting Ethiopian orphanges prayed that their hearts would be broken for what breaks God's heart. Oh wow can you imagine how strong you would have to be? My heart breaks for them just by my thinking about it!!! And seeing the sorrow that is everywhere in Ethiopia... can you even begin to imagine? I could only do it with God's strength and the knowledge that His hand is holding me.
I'm not a better stronger holier or wiser person than others because I feel so strongly about this path, in fact it is humbling to see how small and ignorant I truly am in comparison to a God who can work more than our human hearts can imagine or conceive. He gives me beauty for ashes.... for the worthless garbage I present to Him, proudly proclaiming "here's the sum of my life" he gives me beauty and glory. Without scorning or mocking, he takes my giving and nods me towards Him.
What I see as good works and mighty deeds here on earth aren't even going to come within a whisper of the wonders He has to show me. The most beautiful place on earth? If I could find it? It would be a glorious site and sight. A Keith Green song (I can't wait to get to Heaven) says "I can't wait to get to Heaven, when you'll wipe away all my fears. In six days you created everything, but you've been working on Heaven two thousand years" How much more beautiful then, is the place He has gone ahead to prepare for us? And how worthy are we of it? Why are we worthy of it? ARE we worthy of it? We are more than worthy because His son overcame sin for us to get us there. If both the father and the Son can endure that for us, why can't we endure a little bit of discomfort in return?
Wow. Went off topic there. Thank you God I must have needed to! I hope your journey has less bumps than mine already has - and I'm pre step one! - and we can keep checking back on each other. Who knows, in my blog-stalker mode right now I've probably read / scanned / RSS'd yours!
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