What to think now?

I find my mind is almost overtaken with thoughts of adoption, The how why when... but after talking to my brother and praying about it myself, I know the timing will be right. Several things have come up over the last few months that frustrated me at the time, but now I know had I taken the opportunities, my road wouldn't be clear ahead.... so I know God has a plan, I'm just waiting for it to unfold. I have a feeling I'm to learn patience through this!

We headed into the city the day before my husband's surgery for an XRay. I kept mulling over in my head "is it yes or no for a little boy?" and in the end said "Give me a sign". I looked at the clouds... nothing happened. Oh-kay. Was that my sign? On the way home, a stunning rainbow greeted us which was magnificent in its brightness. I smiled at the rainbow, thinking "God knows how I think".... a sign from the clouds, just not the clouds I was looking at!

And why a boy? no reason in particular. I don't love my boys more than my girls and my girls weren't necessarily harder to bring up (we have two of each) The first photo I saw was of a little boy and it sealed gender for me. And why a child? As I mentioned previously, I don't believe I can "do" baby stuff again. And at my age  - it just suits me to have maybe a 5 or 6 year old. ... a one year old would learn language easier, and maybe adjust easier. An older child has more institutionalised time to break out of and language may be a barrier for longer... but I feel it's the way for me. School and kindergarten can be worked out........... and besides it's at least 12 months away......


I was with my husband  who was in pre-op getting drowsy. We talked about this and that and he started not talking as much.. and my mind wandered. I thought again about what I now called "our little boy". I wondered what we would call him.  7 of the eight kids names (2 each) are Hebrew / Biblical and I thought it would be nice to keep that going. So my mind went through names "A - there's Adam, Abraham...B there's Benjamin.. Man I could just go on all day like this, I need a baby name book really....." 
I heard, like a thought but stronger, "You want an L". I figured I could go with L. I'd call into Borders at lunchtime and check out a baby name book. Then I realised it wasn't me thought of an L.... woah.


On my walk to Borders, I was puzzling over the "L" thing when I felt quite strongly a "something" around my heart and again heard the thought "You need to start praying for him" I felt ashamed. Here I was thinking about a possibility while my husband was heading in for major surgery. "No, not him. You need to pray for your little boy. Those who are caring for him and will care for him. Get him ready,prepare his heart." So I did. (I also prayed for my husband while I was at it!)


Oh wow, I was so stunned. I felt breathless but excited. I wandered through a few stores before I got to Borders. Once there, I grabbed a coffee and sat for a while trying to get my head around what had happened. I went upstairs and had a look around before I took a couple of adoption books off the shelf to choose from plus a baby name book. I chose the adoption book first, figuring if I didn't need it I could resell it on ebay.

The I opened the baby name book. To the boy's section, then to "L" I scanned for Hebrew names. The first one I found was Lazarus, he who was raised from the dead. That could work but I knew it wouldn't. This little man would look different being Chinese, look different having albinism and would struggle with other issues, I didn't want to saddle him with a big name too. The next name I saw was Levi. I just knew this was "my" name. I closed the book with shaking hands. 


It was going to be real. It was going to happen. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Instead I just prayed a quiet prayer of thanks that God was so obviously in charge and giving me this privelege, to allow me another child to bring up in His will and love. My heart was racing but I felt calm. 


I eventually left Borders but went elsewhere... I felt like the rest of the world was walking around ignorant of my joy. I didn't have a pregnant belly, I didn't have a pram or a sling with a baby, but I knew we had a child somewhere waiting for us. I was.. emotionally pregnant, to steal a phrase I read about.


All this doesn't mean my children don't matter or don't exist or cease to be important. Not at all. I will be relying on them even more once this little man comes along, their help and their acceptance will be crucial to his attachment and his fitting in. (By the way... Levi means "attached" in Hebrew).  It's because of them I can have confidence in taking this step, through their love and their .. just being themselves.... that mean I am free to broaden their lives as well.


I didn't tell my husband for a few days. His recovery from surgery was amazingly quick, he'd been told he may lose his voice permanently, his nerves spine and windpipe were also at risk of being compromised, but he was talking in recovery and waving his hand and arm around; and flexing his fingers...things he hasn't been able to do for a year or so. God was so in control and proving it to us over and again.


When I did tell him, he shrugged and said "Let's see what happens" Which doesn't mean he is hesitant or anti the thoughts, just that he is more cautious than me. Which is lucky really!


I am still in awe, though!!