I am hurting, and I am sad. Something I dreamed and prayed about was taken away before I could gel with it. I knew it was always a maybe, I knew there were incredible hurdles to cross, and I knew it was a massive change that I, no matter how much research and study I did, would never quite be prepared for.
So while I know that people trying to "fix" the situation for me mean well, I must implore that your "fixing" isn't needed. You are trying to mend a hole - the size and shape you cannot even begin to grasp - with human shaped solutions.
God put this hope in my heart, He gave me this dream, so trying to find the right size "fix" just isn't going to happen. The only fix to completely mend it will come from God. I wait only for His help.
It may well be that visiting orphans is the way God sees me heal, but insisting it's the logical next step for me scares me; that this is seen as an easy way to fill the cracks that have appeared. I hold my thoughts because I don't want to hurt you, but you don't know.YOU chose not to research and not to look. I opened my heart and I looked. And broke my own heart as well.
Babies and children who never learn to eat properly because their mealtime is so rushed; too many mouths to feed by too few workers. Going from babies drinking from a bottle propped on a pillow, then to force fed by spoon faster than they can healthily swallow, then to getting small bland servings of food they have to gulp down so the other children don't steal their food.
Babies and children wearing and sharing clothes. Whoever gets out of bed first gets the first pick of the clothes. Get up bit late and you get the clothes that don't fit are worn are thinning...
Only shared toys, anything donated even for a particular child is treated as shared property. You know how my heart aches for children whose mummies don't read to them. Nobody reads to these babies. Ever.
I see 147 million of these angels around the world with not one person as a constant for them. Fallen over and skimmed your knee? Toughen up, no mummy to run to, no mummy to kiss it better, no mummy to put a bandaid on it and certainly no mummy to cuddle you afterwards. If anyone has time to look after you it's not going to be the same person who looked after you last time you fell over. So you live your whole life knowing there isn't ONE constant. Nobody to hold you if you have a nightmare, nobody to answer your questions about "why do elephants have trunks? Why does the sun go down at night? Why did my parents leave me?" You'll work out your own answers; chances are you won't go to school, why would you, it's not like you'll be living a productive life when you leave the orphanage at 14 if you haven't been adopted by then.
And this is where you say I'll find fulfillment and a mend for my broken heart? Watching more children fall through the cracks of despair? Please don't insult me. You say this way is better because I can help more than one child. Even if I set up a years worth of people to help, there still isn't a constant for one child. Not ONE person they can depend on.
Give one child a family and that child has a name, and belongs. The can play with a toy and know they can put it down and it will be there for them when they come back, because it belongs to them. Knowing that if they are cold, there are more clothes in their room to put on, clothes that fit, and will keep them warm. Unimaginable. And just becuase they don't know any better now doesn't make it right. And someone to love them. Someone who waits for them who prays for them and who wants...them.
You somehow feel that once you (though you call it "we") find the right sized box my problem will fit in, we can close the lid and everything will be okay. So advocating and speaking out for adoption is another fix you think is "the" answer. Again it's your answer, a human answer to neatly fix the hole and move on to the next problem.
You don't begin to understand the situation. It's not your fault, unless you have dug as deeply as me, and spoken to others, you can't know. But understand that I DO know....and respect that I may understand different angles of what you're saying. In other countries I can advocate all I like for waiting children, but not for Australian parents. That's not how it works here. And how effective can I be speaking out about adoption when....I have no experience? Who will listen?
Imagine all your life you've wanted to restore a 1962 classic car.. and the perfect opportunity comes up for you to get one, but you can't for whatever reason. Or you love your sports club so much and you get the chance to buy in to ownership, but you can't take it up. Or your dream property comes up; all you've ever wanted, and it's doable, but you can't actually go to the next step.
However. You are instead offered the chance to go to classic car shows to see restored beauties and talk to renovators.. or to go to the home games of your team... Or to a real estate convention where dream homes are discussed and planned.
It's fun but it's not the real deal. It's not what you dreamed about, and it's not what you saw dangled in front of you and it's not going to heal you.
The three examples I gave are all of material possessions. These mean and always have meant very little to me. Having my family around me is what's important. As fractious wriggly temperamental and hormonal as they are, my family is what matters. But some people measure by material needs, so they suited the example.
I know my dream for Levi is pretty much over; and I'm dealing with that. God has given me peace. I know you find that hard to believe but He really has. He loves me! ...and what we all need to remember is that we are ALL orphans. We all need a constant, a rudder, a love that never goes away. God is the only one who can give that. We can reject it, and many do, but He still waits for us and loves us. He takes us from our wretched world and our garbage that we call living and frees us, and we are given His name for eternity. He has a home for us which He is making ready for us, which is more than we can hope or dream of, and he loves us......
just like adoption!
And what a parent to have, what a family to join.
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