hearts a mess?

We now have seven weeks until our "introduction to adoption" talk. A couple of books I've read don't paint these in a very good light so am hoping it's a positive experience.

My husband is trying to keep up with me but I'm afraid I'm way past this point in my head already, as you'd no doubt have noticed.  :) Have you ever heard of the DISC personality model? Each letter is for the type of personality and the characteristics you may display in each one. 

http://www.discinsights.com/cyber/scripts/disc.asp

I am Direct. Trying hard to lose my rough edges, but when I did this in study, I was more direct than direct, so I know it's me. I tend to go in feet first, try to get to point B in the quickest way, organise things fully and early and am a self starter. Sounds like me in this game plan as well.

So then when my husband, who is a mix of a Steadier, (likes to face change slowly, can't understand risk taking, is patient and methodical) and Compliant (analyses, follows procedure, is conscientious and careful) sees me writing things on my blog *smiley face* and hears me planning where the child will sleep and even calling "him" by name, he struggles to work out where my head is, as we ARE seven weeks out of even taking the first step.

So do I sometimes. But I know where my heart is. It's with kids. It always has been. From when I was one myself, I've loved younger kids, and having my own was wonderful, of course, and I loved / love every minute with them.

We've done studies through church and I have done my own about what it means to follow Christ, and while those who don't get it won't get it, I am convicted of the "deny yourself carry your cross" message amongst others. And is working to make money to spend it on myself really all there is to life? I'm seeking a kingdom result at the end of my life, not an earthly one. So where I live, how I dress, what I drive, my job, my friends, where I go.....will all mean nothing when I'm gone. But what I do matters to me and to God, and how I use the time He gives me. 

This is being made abundantly clearer to me as time goes on, and I can only see His hand at work and it's exciting. 

Someone asked me the other day "what if you're wrong and it was just subconscious set you on this road?" Fine. I will pursue the process as long as I can until I KNOW it's not right; and I will. Know, that is. Be it my husband, my kids, my life, my health, I believe something will happen that will give me a definite "no". So far I'm only feling green lights. (Except for the money part, but we haven't got there and besides that's another post!)

Our local newspaper had a story about a US family who adopted three - yes three - boys with albinism from China. Their children had grown up and God directed them to adopt. I finally read the article after numerous attempts, getting too emotionally involved didn't help. 

 Now I read China are changing some of the processes, more post adoption reports and maybe more pre adoption checks as well? Al in the interests of the child's safety and I think it's great, just wondering what will be ahead!

So trying to juggle head and heart is hard, but I'm getting there. Realising I need to slow down so my husband can catch up (not being mean, just saying he needs to catch the dream too and it will likely take longer.And understanding that patience is my reward at the end of this what appears to be long road.