where do I begin?

Funny how song titles keep coming to me as blog post titles!
I've had a bit of a crazy week in a lot of areas of my life, in this particular strand as well. I hope this post makes sense, my head is all over the place and I am in my lunch break and hurrying.....
My not hundred percent sure husband is even less sure of which direction to move in. He has the same concerns as most RH's (reluctant husbands, I'm picking up the lingo by jingo) of in 12 months we're likely to have no kids at home and can enjoy life unencumbered by their needs, in 8 years he could retire, we haven't got grandkids yet but adopting a child could affect my relationship with my current kids and their as yet unconceived offspring. And then some.  And the money. Oh the money. I know the amount of money we would need to raise is way more than we can, it's as much as we paid for a car which we put on a lease so we didn't have to pay upfront.... and it's staggering. I truly believe if God means for this to happen He will find a way. He always does. Whether processes are indented slightly or waivers (unheard of in Australia) happen, or something else along the international adoption line, or we discover money saving habits or I finally get published or whatever, I do believe if it's meant to be it will happen.
I could argue this and other points til the world ends, but then I'd be a nagging fishwife again, and I'm so over being her, she drags me down and cancels out the joy God has for me. So instead I read some more blogs through my hurting heart. "Let go and let God" kept coming up, and hey I know that. But KNOWING it is different. I ignored it for a few days and then in frustration with myself gave it up to Him. I told Him that I WAS happy to accept whatever road this went in. I know my husband and I know myself and if I have to give this up, so be it. The little man with the beautiful name will always be someone I pray for and I trust God will find Levi a forever family if it's not to be mine. I also prayed for peace with my decision and God's decision. It has come.
So why go through all this if it's not meant to be? Because I was obedient to God's call. He asked me to look and I did. He gave me the information and I did what I could with it. I researched examined and researched again. I have learned so much I didn't know about children waiting with special needs, about the conditions of chinese and other orphanages, of the hearts breaking all over the world for these children and the loving people who advocate and pray daily for them. God is mighty and He is moving mighty people.
But hey no I'm not giving this all away, I'm just accepting that if it isn't to be, it isn't to be. I think my husband, who will hate to read this, is one of those people who wants to know the end of the story before he starts it. Rather than just stepping out in faith and believing, he'd like the comfort of knowing all will be well before he does. And that's fine, it's where most people are, it's quite normal. I have learnt so much about faith and grace in this journey that it takes my breath away and I know others aren't on the same journey, aren't as far along on the journey or have their own baggage to sort before they can even begin the journey. And so I will pray for those mentioned in the earlier paragraph whose hearts are there for the children.
I am often randomly prompted to pray for Levi. It's NOT a conscious thing, he just comes into mind and I do it. (same with my kids). For what reason I don't know. Is he scared, cold, sad, being picked on, hungry, all of the above? I just pray for God to hold him is all. I was doing exactly this while waiting for a prescription in the pharmacy. I looked up and saw a charm stand, with one only charm of a red ladybug. As this has been my "thing" while thinking along this path, I grabbed it. Then realised I don't have a charm bracelet. So I bought one of those too.
I lost the charm bracelet in a store on the weekend - don't buy cheap charm bracelets, the catch gave way - and while it wasn't even remotely a special or expensive piece of jewellery, it had the significance of having "Levi's bug" on it. So losing it broke me, with it happening right after my husband and I had exchanged words over the adoption process. My heart did break. I figured it was a "just give up" sign. Oh how Satan loves to put his little claws into us! I couldn't believe how much it upset me to lose it, I'm so not a girly girly or jewellery girl, rarely buying anything like that, but upset me it did. However I now see it was part of the catalyst to my resigning myself to "que sera sera" and giving the whole thing over to God. I have given up all control of the situation, apart from emailing and blogging, (because I love a keyboard and a blank page!) and know that by the time others are convinced of the "right" thing to do the chance may be gone.
I can shrug and say "and that's fine" again. It isn't fine really. I have cried, I have been furious and am crying again, but I know in my heart it IS okay. If it's meant to be it will be. And my husband won't give in and say "oh if it's what you REALLY want" he'll be right there with me. Otherwwise I'll continue praying for Levi and other children like him, maybe one day I'll go visit them, organise a mission trip, whatever. What I have learnt is so amazingly eye and heart opening that whichever way it goes, God will truly be blessed.
Him and me, we're on a journey. Only He knows the end of the story!